Thursday, September 04, 2003
Blues...
I am feeling down today...rather, I should say, I was feeling a lot down yesterday night, and it just continued today morning too. I don't know why I suddenly felt like that. Afterall, our hostel won the Choreo competition putting us in a very comfortable position in the inter-hostel competition.....but still...
I am actually pretty confused as to what exactly brought about this sudden blanket of blue on me. I feel like doing nothing, and it is not my laziness speaking here. I can think of only one word now: confusion! Maybe, it is because I am so used to some mess or the other almost all through what I can remember of my life, this new order leaves me confused.
I have been used to taking things as they come without worrying unduly about my future, and I never had all my tasks so properly defined. Now, I know exactly what I have to do & by when to do it and all that, but I just don't know why, I am not able to do it! It is not just the absolute loathing to physical labour that I admit to possess to a great degree, it is something more fundamental than that. It seems to me that I have lost my enthu in life....nothing seems to arouse me as I once remember. I was reading Zephyr's blog where she was talking about the loss of the child in her. Now, I feel like it is not just the child, but like the whole person "Me" is no longer here.
I would have loved it if this absence of "me" was in a more spiritual sense, but it is not! I am definitely feeling down. Yesterday night, I decided (for the umpteenth time) that I have to start acting, taking my life more seriously, but as I said, I am no longer able to muster enough enthusiasm....well, I just hope that my new resolution works out....God help me!
As my friend said day before yesterday, I might be going mad...I actually don't mind being called mad - afterall, almost all genius has been called mad sometime or the other!
I am actually pretty confused as to what exactly brought about this sudden blanket of blue on me. I feel like doing nothing, and it is not my laziness speaking here. I can think of only one word now: confusion! Maybe, it is because I am so used to some mess or the other almost all through what I can remember of my life, this new order leaves me confused.
I have been used to taking things as they come without worrying unduly about my future, and I never had all my tasks so properly defined. Now, I know exactly what I have to do & by when to do it and all that, but I just don't know why, I am not able to do it! It is not just the absolute loathing to physical labour that I admit to possess to a great degree, it is something more fundamental than that. It seems to me that I have lost my enthu in life....nothing seems to arouse me as I once remember. I was reading Zephyr's blog where she was talking about the loss of the child in her. Now, I feel like it is not just the child, but like the whole person "Me" is no longer here.
I would have loved it if this absence of "me" was in a more spiritual sense, but it is not! I am definitely feeling down. Yesterday night, I decided (for the umpteenth time) that I have to start acting, taking my life more seriously, but as I said, I am no longer able to muster enough enthusiasm....well, I just hope that my new resolution works out....God help me!
As my friend said day before yesterday, I might be going mad...I actually don't mind being called mad - afterall, almost all genius has been called mad sometime or the other!
